Parenting 101

I think it is about time that I level with all the first time, soon-to-be parents out there.  You have no clue what's headed your way and you are about to have your mind blown to smithereens.  I know you've read all the books and know exactly what you are going to do, but you don't.  You are going to spend hours a day reading to your newborn and playing Mozart, but you won't.  You have every nutritious, organic meal planned out for the next five years, so there is really nothing that can go wrong, but it will.

Sure we tried, everyone tries.  It's just not nearly as easy and simple as "they" make it seem.  Once sleep deprivation sets in, it is survival of the fittest.  You will do things you never would have imagined, just to make life easier.  You will be put in situations that will blindside you. To help give you an idea of what exactly I am talking about, I have decided to list some of my most memorable parenting moments (fails):

*Toilet Paper Diaper-  This is what happens when you go to the zoo unprepared.  Baby mummification.

*Foolhardy Negotiations-  Never, ever, ever negotiate with a spouse midsleep about getting up with the baby.  In case anyone needs further clarification, this is when you are so exhausted that you make a "deal with the devil" (aka Your Spouse- Remember, this is survival of the fittest.) so that they will take your turn getting up with the baby.  These are NEVER sound transactions.

*Baby Breakdancing-  This is when you accidentally drop your baby on their head.  (Twice.). Which is definitely not part of the plan.  (Either time.)

*McDonalds- Before Noah was born I had planned on only organic natural foods.  Now, if McDonalds had a gold card, we would not only own it, but be pictured on the front.  Waving.

*Swinger Fail-  When you put your "big boned" 6-month-old in a park swing and have to ask a random jogger to help "shimmy" your babies thighs out.  Didn't see that one coming.

*Potty Non-Helper- Apparently, it isn't as easy as it looks to pee standing up.  In my attempts to help Noah, more pee has gone on the floors, walls,  and in the sink three feet behind us, than has actually entered the bowl.  Men, on behalf of all the females that have judged your aerodynamic miscalculations, I apologize.

*The Dairy Queen-  This is when you accidentally give your lactose intolerant child a nice, big bowl of ice cream.  You will regret this many times in the hours that follow consumption.

As you can see, things happen.  No parent is perfect and no child is perfect.  Trust your instincts when the random craziness happens and cross your fingers.  If necessary, feel free to refer back to this page/blog to feel a little better about yourself.

Oh, and pray. You'll need it. :)